It’s Sunday. I live in my van, more than seven months now, trying to cope with living in the small space. I realized last night while getting ready for bed on my cot in the back of my Grand Cherokee, just how odd it is to live this way; being a van dweller. I had never heard the term until a friend told me she watched YouTube’s about van dwellers. That’s where I learned the term when I first started living in my van. So I spent time last night wondering about the direction my life would take; whether I could build a successful online business involving the media and Christian writing. I also thought about Christian lay-counseling. I thought about how I might bring something more to the table about counseling Christians who want to know what to do in their challenging situations. How could I incorporate my training, skills, education and background into a company?
I keep a few notebooks with ideas I jot down from time to time, looking at my goals and priorities. Little things like what supplements to buy, or where to get my hair cut and on what day. It’s all so hard, not having my own home to do these things in at a desk, or a kitchen table. It’s hard living in a van; make no mistake about it.
As I continue to wonder about life and what may be in my future I also know to keep busy working on the goals I have. Inch closer and closer to what I want and ask God for His will. I seek His counsel on a daily basis and I enjoy having the closeness that I have with the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if I had the luxury of living in an apartment, I would not struggle as much. I would not need Him as much. I see this time in life as a blessing; a time to get to know Jesus more and lean on Him.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
I know my situation in life is the natural outcome of my not earning enough money for the rent I had to pay while at my last job. I don’t see this as punishment; it is a learning about having enough to pay for the rent and keep a household before paying rent you can’t keep up with. But of course, I knew that and paid the rent fine before the last job as security guard paid me so low that it was the reason I had to give notice and move out.
But I wasn’t happy with that outcome. I wanted to have stability; a place to live for me and my cat and then move to a better housing situation once I got a better job, but getting a better job didn’t happen soon enough. Now I’m on the East Side, and have been receiving oodles of job offers that are temporary, as usual, as that’s all I ever seem to get offered. They are also mostly located in Seattle, which is a real bear during commute hours so I’m not willing to work there.
I have to make decisions and I don’t want to stretch myself in a long commute for a temporary job, when I can work a temporary job here closer to where I stay; in a parking lot at a church. I’m grateful they offer this at no charge; it allows me to stay there indefinitely without paying anything so I can get back on my feet. I am tired of this financial instability, I can tell you that. But I see the benefit of knowing God more than I would have, had I had an easier lifestyle living in an apartment. I can also enjoy dreaming about having a company I can be proud of that is sustaining, and that I enjoy doing. Whatever that turns out to be, I pray for it’s success, and that it will bless other people in some way.
I spent the morning at the park, watching a video sermon of John MacArthur’s about forgiveness, which I thought was really good. I feel surprisingly comfortable and am spending time here at the library in Kirkland, Washington. It’s my favorite one. I have spent the past several days, maybe up to a week, living within a five-mile radius because I am conserving the gas in my van. I vent at times to the Lord, and ask that the Holy Spirit give me the strength to acclimate to this since I am used to being free to drive anywhere for as long as I want to like when I lived in California.
I miss California, and a few times I have vented to God that I could just pick up and drive to Silicon Valley, California, to find a better job. They don’t seem to have as many permanent and decent jobs in Washington state here on the East Side, as I had hoped. I’ve asked God why I seem to be the only one who is a good employee, shows up on time for work, has excellent skills, but yet can’t find a stable job. I know that I have been stalked by satanic warfare, and I know this is what oppressed me the most.
It may seem odd that I am an educated woman talking about satan, but once you become a bible believer you can’t deny all that is written in the bible. The spiritual warfare against me has steadily declined, and I thank God for that. Also that He is my Savior and Lord who has saved me from eternal damnation. I can’t forget that when I feel I am being unfairly challenged by my lack of work in life. I’m not unwilling, the jobs just don’t seem to materialize for me for some strange reason. I know I have further to go, and it will be easier from here, as it has gotten, steadily, in recent years.